Friday, October 31, 2003

Oct 31, yeh! it's end of the month today!!! it's friday afternoon 12:30pm. i'm now sitting in Matheson library again. nope, you are wrong! this time, i'm not researching...i'm not studying...let alone, reading any books! i'm here to use the net! i'm not so hardworking as how some people have imagined me to be! =p oh yes! i've been enjoying my holidays this week: not too busy at home....slack alittle and enjoy some moments.

i went to see my HSY tutor yesterday. yes, yet again. she was pretty concerned about how i did my final essay and i frankly told her how hard i struggled through it. i know it's not my best piece of work she would ever be marking cos' i spotted quite a few errors again after looking through it again. sigh~ somehow editing never helps!~ i handed in my 3rd draft of the essay and yet, i can still find mistakes. oh well~ shall see how things go. my tutor asked me about my plans for next year and of cos', since i've been slacking so much this week, i have yet to consider what subjects to enrol for next semester. she urged me to consider doing history Hons and told me the potentials she has seen in me. hmm~ well well....i don't know. she looked through with me the possible history modules that i could consider taking next year....guess i'll have to make up my mind soon as the enrolment for next yr's subjects ends the following monday. hmm, HSY Hons--something to think about! should i???

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Oct 30, oh! it's thursday today!! i've got 14days more before i see my bf!!! and of cos, to fly back singapore! aw~ i've been waiting for this day for so long....2 months has finally turned 2 weeks! well, it's great to receive liumin's card yesterday. when she asked for my address over icq, it didn't really clicked that she was sending me a card! indeed, liumin--hey, you are ever the first one to send a card over all the way from singapore!! when i saw 'Gracie' written in huge red letters, i knew from the very start, it's liumin!!!!! man!! even opening the envelope was exciting!! your handwriting, especially your lettering on the envelope of the card has really made me miss you alot! and man!! even the singapore stamp on your envelope has made it so homely!!!! this card really brightened my life alot this week! it's really a surprise for me! =p

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Oct 29 still, i came back from uni with Raels in Ed's car...how cool is that! yeah, the weather has been weird today! very very cold...with occasional showers and sunshine intermittenly...that's melbourne's weather! when i got off Ed's car, Raels spotted this rusty key with a footprint keychain lying at a corner of the car wheels. judging from its appearance, this key had undergone much rain and shine for a long while. as we looked more closely, it dawned on me it's mine!!! i'd lost this key many months ago and i could never find it! aww~ so sad! this key chain held a great significance to me...can't part with it but i know i had to.....once lost, now found!

Oct 29, recently, i've been hooked on friendster!!! =p gota meet so many friends there and it's just so cool to receive testimonials from closer friends and get to see who's there in my friends' list. and it's just super duper interesting to see how the chain of friends are linked up together....and i'll just go: "hey, i never knew that he knows my other friend?!" yes indeed, the world just gets smaller as globalisation takes place! no friend is too far to contact...memories of old friends can be recollected there too! i gota meet friends in whom i've not seen for ages and it puzzles me alot to receive their invites to their friendster lists. hmm, it's just so fun!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Oct 28, the first thing that came to my mind was i'm 1 day closer to the great day! it's now 16days more! i guess time will fly past faster now that i'll be busy trying to find a new place to stay and see how the plans for next year goes. i gota check out a new place which is really cool!!~ will see how things go....=p

Monday, October 27, 2003

Oct 27, time has been crawling. i'm counting down the days to flying back to the small island i called home. i've got 17days more. i wish time will fly faster. the question that puzzles me still is, why am i so excited about going home? yes indeed, i miss my friends...the food...the fragrance of Yishun...the sounds of MRT train lines and singrish too!~ haha. if you were to ask me what i'd really wana do when i get home--hmm, make a guess? there are lots...heaps of things i'll be crazy about! i'd really wana go swimming everyday!!! get alot of sunshine and also, practise as much on my piano!!! i'm not on food crave at the moment but i'll sure go for lots of sugarcane juice and Dao-Hueh-Zui (soyabean drink)!! yes!! Swenson's here i come!! and oh yes!! Orchard Road too!! of cos, i missed my family, my little Owen!!! (yes! yes! i miss you alot! i wana carry you around when i come back and play with you! i heard that you have just learnt how to walk...am i right?)....missed Aunty Angela especially...Jas and Sheryl...and of course, not forgetting my long-lost friends too. it thrills my heart alot to know that i'm going home!! and yes yes, what more? of cos, i'm looking forward to spending time with chris. it's been so long since we last spent time with each other. and of cos, to spend time caring for his mummy as well...

i've finally finished my 3500words hsy essay....i'd say i seriously spent loads of time on it. guess the fear of failure is still there. however, it's the process of learning to overcome my fears that became a big lesson for me to learn. it's more than just overcoming the paranoia, but more of getting focussed and trying to push my pen. it was a struggle. a serious struggle. finishing this essay is an achievement for me. it is not so much of "yes! finally, i finished!!"; it is more than that. i feel that it is my best that i have ever tried to achieve and it will still be the best even though my results don't show. i seriously feel that "yes! i've overcome my fears! and that's the most important." won't you agree with me? hehe, you'd have to, because i said so?!!? hee..=p i'm leaving library now...gotta hand in this assignment!

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Oct 21, Yeh! i finished my exams! i'm on my way to liberation soon--when my hsy essay gets off my hands this thursday, i hope. it's a great day today cos' it's my last day of school for the semester! i've been really tired and i know it hasn't been a good sem to start with. i must say i didn't enter into this sem with a good well being--cos' my life was just upside down since the start of it. but generally, i must say i've made good friends. even though i haven't been that talkative, i still know new friends nonetheless. quite sad to say goodbye to friends in whom i get to see every week for tutorials but it's always good to end off the sem with 'seeya!'; this reminds me of what my gor used to tell me. he told me once: it's always not good to say goodbye, but with 'seeya' there's always a reassurance that we will meet again. and yes, this is true for my friendship with Fun from my scy tutorial, Rachel, Gabby, Jarah, Josh and some others from my hsy tutorial group.

know what? my hsy tutor even brought red wine and fruit juices for our last tutorial today and it was just interesting to see some of my girlfriends from tut just got their faces so red while being in a heated debate about the Malay identity, Malaysia politics and Mahathir during history tutorial! ha!~ it's just crazy! i felt a sudden surge of nationalism coming to me when my malaysia tut mates just criticised that we Singapore was, i quote her "kicked out by Malaysia twice! haha!". i just felt like standing up for Singapore but...the fact is, she's right. we were kicked out in a certain sense! what a good way to end the sem with~ and Josh--the cool 3rd year politics guy, an Australian with blue eyes came asking me after class: so where do you come from? and with national pride, i replied him: i'm from Singapore! and haha, he said: "there you go!" indeed, there should have been more debate about politics in class. as for me, i prefer not to plunge myself into such sensitive topic of 'malaysia-sing' relations--it's simply too touchy!

i'd simply admit that my hsy tutorials have been the most interesting this semester. i haven't thought of history as such an interesting subject--yes indeed, one which is subjected to much debate. while we may assume history as a load of crap, rubbish and facts...facts and more facts about the past, you are wrong!~ it really makes me realise the importance of the assumed historical past, nationalism and national pride, which have been ingrained into us through our national anthem, pledge, or even the celebration of national day in itself. call it nationalism-propaganda, it is an 'imagined community' in which we live in---something which binds everyone together. remember one of those songs 'One People, One Nation, One Singapore'? that's it! this is a song which says it all--nationalism!

Monday, October 20, 2003

Oct 20, i've been trying to type this in and i hope it works this time. somehow in a click, all those precious words that i typed before were all gone!!! arghhhhh~ so frustrating! it's been a learning experience for the past 5 days....gota learn the true essence of life and friendship i've around me. indeed, meiyee is right: i'm a real thinker! i think!~ =p

it was sabbath. we planned to go to visit Florina in the city after church that day. as we've too many people, the guys followed james in the Prado; we girls hopped into Shuang's Mazda. the guys led the way. on our way there, i looked out through the windows and started remincsing the past....thinking about life when suddenly....ka-BOOM! we got into a car accident! one second before the car crashed, i heard Annie screamed! apparently, Shuang stepped on the accelerator just before the accident! her Mazda just smashed into the Prado 4WD in front! thank God~ no one died! our bodies swayed with that momentum and our only salvation were our safety belts. joel and james have been worried that annie and i would suffer whiplash; especially because we weren't prepared for the sudden accident. guess, i'm ok....just few bruises on my shin, that's all. it took me quite awhile to get out of the car....

when we finally got to see what happened, we thanked God. the bonnet of the Mazda was almost smashed into bits! the Prado suffered few scratches. what happened was: there was another car who came out of the driveway suddenly and didn't give way to us. James stopped the Prado just in time: a few inches away from that reckless car. Shuang didn't anticipate the sudden stop and did not brake in time to save the damages. we have imagined things could have got much worse if it were the Prado following the Mazda. indeed, God is watching over us no matter where we are. and of cos, i realised: my life is not in my hands; it's in God's.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Oct 19, i have come to understand this verse much more deeply than before recently.

"Be strong and of a good courage: be not afraid, neither be dismayed: for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" --Joshua 1:9

over the past 5 days, i've been pondering over my life; think over issues which i think have affected my well being alot lately. there were times when i feel alone...times when i feel i can't sustain it any longer...times when i just feel weak deep inside... moments when i felt like crying alot.

i've come to understand sometimes, i'm not in control of things....rather, God is.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Oct 14, time is running out!~ i have simply too much to handle. i'm predicting i'll just crash over after all these are done. i've gota prepare my tuts next week and reading huge loads of reading and write-up summaries (as usual!?!), write up my 3500 words history essay and of cos', be prepared for 2 exams next mon and tuesday! the worse thing of it all is, i've all these squeezed on monday and tuesday! it's terrible man! my loads for the whole entire semester would be off my shoulders by wednesday man!~

but that's not all! gota clean up the house before Aunty Mary comes next week and man!!!~ there's just lots of cleaning to do, ranging from mowing the lawn, to washing the mats, to picking up Kes' poo to washing the toilet exhaust, to cleaning the bath tub, scrubbing the floors, the toilets....some of these things we rarely do throughout the semester! and oh yes!~ to clean up our fridge and kitchen cabinets too! sounds like it's a whole deal of spring cleaning to do!!!!~

and still there is other stuffs for me to look into~ like finding a place to stay next year and looking for a job in s'pore....and of cos', packing my stuffs into boxes in preparation for shifting next year. to top it all up, there is still bible studies to prepare and sabbath school lesson study to teach this sabbath~ i'm exhausted....hopefully these things do not crush so hard on me that i fall ill.....i'm almost at a point of breakdown soon...........

Monday, October 13, 2003

Oct 12, many thoughts crowded my mind...to the point of mental breakdown. i've been carrying with me a baggage which had never to put down.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Oct 9, i had the worse sleep last night! i woke up occasionally throughout the night. mind you~ i didn't fall into sleep until past 2am in the morning. i just couldn't sleep! i had forgotten how to go into sleep! it's frustrating when i knew i was super tired but yet still laid on my bed awake! man! it's a disgusting feeling, if you know what i mean! i woke up this morning with a heavy-headed mind....i wish these days would just leave me......

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Oct 8, i was so excited when i got a SMS from Grace last night! she told me that Karen has just given birth to a baby girl 2 days ago!! wow! it's just so sweet to receive good news like this! hmm, recalling those days when i was there at her 21st b'day party. i was invited to attend her wedding with Landy last year....and now, she's got a baby of her own. i still remember how close Karen and i were in the past. we used to wish each other 'happy birthday' every christmas eve cos' we chose to get baptised together on that same day 9 years ago! sigh...time flies~

well, now it's back to work...going to uni reminded me of the upcoming exams and assignment in which i have to hand up. i saw a girl crying so much when she came out of my history tutor's office yesterday. it reminded me of the same incident which happened to me 2 weeks ago. going to see her at her office has become a fearful thing to me.....cos' it seriously shatters my self-confidence, my self-esteem and the hope of telling myself 'i can do it!!!' upon coming out of her office. i came out feeling more doubtful of my own writing skills, my analysis and my confidence in scoring well! i just froze! it seemed like the power source to think, to analyse and to push my pen just got plugged out! i felt useless...silly...ineffective and of cos, very stupid. inevitably, tears came as the only comfort.

Monday, October 06, 2003

Oct 6, i woke up today feeling extremely tired....i was supposed to wakey at 7am but i realised i just couldn't pull myself up till 9:45am! that's pretty late! anyway, lotsa things to do today and it's start of school again!!! the 1 week break has ended and it's start of my 'studying-engines'.

i had a very interesting breakfast today! i blended banana and soybean drink together....it tasted just like banana milk shake! it's pretty filling, you know! i had 2 slices of bread and man!!~ i know this will last me till evening! i tried to dress my best today since it's the first day of uni! it's a good weather today and i'm in my pink t-shirt and blue track pants! i know i look good in them and 'tadah!'... i'm off to uni!

while on my way there, many thoughts came to my mind. somehow i asked myself: why do i really wana go home end of the yr? why don't i enjoy uni nowadays? what am i looking forward to? why don't i just enjoy the process of learning... process of being overseas and the process of going through an experience? and with that thought, i somehow comforted myself that i can enjoy what i have now. when i got to the lecture theatre...for once! i thought i had gone into the wrong one cos' everyone seem to look so matured (could it be an Honours class??!?)and it's another lecturer standing at the front!!! man!!~it felt so great to see Shannon coming in and sitting next to me...and that reassured me that i haven't been that "BLUR" to go into the wrong lecture hall today!!!~

and now, i'm in comp lab doing my work...and of cos, filling up my blog for today. i have a presentation later on and i've not really structured what i'm gona say!~ we'll see what happens! lots of tasks to be fulfilled today....!!!!

Sunday, October 05, 2003

Oct 5, lonliness filled me lately. it's the kinda emptiness deep inside my heart which can never be filled. it feels as if no matter how much i try to pour water into my cup, it's never full....i'm never really happy...never 100% joyful. sometimes, i can only find comfort in my tears and in going for walks with our dog, Kes.

I Will be Here

tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
i.... i will be here
if in the dark you lose sight of love
hold my hand and have no fear
'cause i..... i will be here

i will be here when you feel like being quiet
when you need to speak your mind
i will listen, and i will be here
when the laughter turns to crying
through the winning, losing and trying
we'll be together
'cause I will be here

tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the future is unclear
i...i will be here
as sure as the season are made for change
our lifetimes were made for years
so i...i will be here

i will be here and you can cry on my shoulder
when the mirror tells us we're older
i will hold you, and i will be here
to watch you grow in beauty
and tell you all the things you are to me
i will be here

i will be true to the promise I have made
to you and to the One who gave you to me

--Stevens Curtin Chapman

Friday, October 03, 2003

Oct 3, oh it's jas' b'day! whoa!~ so many ppl celebrating b'days lately....wonder why? =p it's been a week of hols since last friday! somehow many things happened throughout the 1 week---and i've been taking a real good break in any case! gota spend time shopping, eating, sleeping and doing things which i didn't have time to!~ guess it's just great to relax and not think about so much....=)

i've accidentally gone into the history section for my previous icq messages with catbit. it's interesting how we both met online in april 2002...the very first few conversations had been funny and i just grinned alot as i read them once more. i'm reminded of my own sillyness and also, it's pretty funny to recall what i was thinking when i typed those replies!

i got pretty frustrated at him cos' even though he's always on 'green-flower' status, he often ignored my "O..O". for a few months, i've regarded him as invisible even though i always see his online status. it's a weird friendship in itself and as i read on, i'm amazed at how our friendship developed in the process.

i was always encouraging him that he'll find a good girl one day...someone who really loves him and someone who sees his heart. even though i'm pessimistic about going into a relationship once more, i didn't wana discourage this poor guy who thinks he's not good enough. sometimes he'll end up saying "why don't you be my gf?" and i took them as jokes most of the time. deep inside my heart, i know for sure he'll find the right girl for himself and i've never seen myself in the picture. that's why i always use 'gf to be', which could mean anyone! never did i ever know that the 'gf-to-be' ended up being myself eventually?!??! what an irony!!!!

looking into history just makes me smile =)
now you all see why.....
i love history so much??!! hee.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Oct 1, it's children's day!! haha~ how i wish i'm a child once more...no worries, no burdens....! =p sigh, i'm no longer a child anymore! but i'm still childish as ever... yes! i'm still young!! hee, as i told Ron yesterday, hee...i'm still young! or at least, i'm so much younger than him, that is!

hee, it's so fun to catch up with Ron over the net last night. i didn't manage to speak to him much the last time i saw him at church when we both flew bk singapore in july. and somehow i just feel that times have changed and we have grown up over the years...haha....and somehow the way we conversed has changed too! maybe it's cos' he's now in england and the distance between us makes this friendship different?!? or perhaps, it's just the thing about virtual communication which has made the huge difference. in any case, he's still as artistic as ever. he shared with me a website which i think is very cute! i'd say, it's a form of art. will share with you guys if i see you all online!! hee!!~

i'm pretty excited about today! cos' i'd be going down to clayton again to get some groceries and have lunch with annie! it's been awhile since we made our trip down to clayton! and it feels good cos' that's the nearest place to 'shop'~!! i'll come home to cook some desserts before Gary comes and picks me up~ both of us are going to Florina's housewarming party at the city!

yeah! Florina has become one of my soul mates this year...we chat alot and share in each other our joys and sorrows too. funny how we didn't talk to each other so much in singapore...and now that we meet up again, we become good buddies. i'm excited about her housewarming cos' everybody tells me that it's a nice place!! cool! i'm gona check it out!! hee, and yeah, i'm gonna see Boon leong and Lynn over there as well. gota catch up with boon especially, before he flies back singapore.