Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Sept 30, oh!! it's liumin b'day today! happy birthday eh? + 1 year liao...how does it feel to be 1 yr older??? must make full use of our youth man~!

sigh~ what am i doing with my youth? receiving education for a better career?!?!!??after doing my scy essay on youth transitions in a risk society, it dawn on me that i'm facing those realities now. the transition from childhood to adulthood isn't that simple as it seems. lotsa issues to think about and to consider about the future which is filled with challenges and insecurity. and well~ now i'm on for the next essay! even though it's break, yes!!! library is still the place to go to!dread! i'm now at matheson lib....just went up to the main lib section to grab some history books and well, try to motivate myself for the final battle of the history essay. whoa~! this sounds pretty 'historical'. yeah, it's gracie's historical annals! =p well it really makes me feel that 'i know how to write an essay' after going into monash website and get help from there.

appetite left me lately. i didn't feel like eating even though i know i'm hungry....i'm just eating cos' there's food in front of me. if not, i just don't feel the need for food. anoroxic? yeah~ maybe. haven't been at my peak performance ...been feeling drowsy, asthmatic and down. i've been trying to encourage myself to hang on there for a bit longer...! 3 more weeks to go and i'll see freedom! freedom from school work! freedom from stress! and freedom to think over important issues of my life....

well, time to get going with my life again......

Monday, September 29, 2003

Sept 29, i've taken a long break since friday. i've been trying to pull myself up...i went for combined caregroup at church last friday and i saw kenny at church! it's a surprise! well, gota practise the song 'He loved me' and i'm surprised how we sopranos can hit the highest note of the song! i wasn't supposed to sing that high and i'm glad that i din lose my voice at the end of the day. and together as youth choir, we sang this song on saturday morning for 13th sabbath program....

He loved me before the world was known
He loved me to be his very own
He made me and let me choose my way
i chose to move away

He loved me when hope had taken wing
He loved me when i lost everything
He bought me when redemption's work was done
through Jesus Christ His Son

Who can seperate me from the love of God
Shall dreams of tomorrow, pain or sorrow
Can the need of food or earthly possessions
the threat of war or men's oppressions

In all these things, victory is our reward
Victory is our reward, through Jesus Christ our Lord
Of this i'm sure, that neither death nor life
nor angels, nor principalities
nor powers, nor things present
nor things to come!
nor height, nor depth
nor any creature shall seperate me from the love of God
through Jesus Christ our Lord!

annie and i went to Boxhill on sunday....did alot of shopping and had a very good meal~ we haven't been out at Boxhill for a long while and yeah~ it's good to pamper oneself once in awhile. and just today, annie, jackie, james, phil and i went out to the city for a stroll...caught Bad Boyz II. it's quite funny and some parts are interesting! it's hard to imagine gracie liking such kinda shows cos' it's filled with action-pact scenes. some gross parts tho' when they showed the cutting of the body at the mortuary!!!~ yucks! anyway, so much for giving myself a break from school work and assignments. now, it's back to reality again!! and this time, to work very hard for my coming exams and my final 3500words assignment.

Friday, September 26, 2003

Sept 26, sigh!~ i finally finished my 2500 words sociology essay assignment at last! i struggled through this assignment with pain, sweat and effort. emotionally, i was still trying to regain self confidence in my essay writing. it's been a struggle to tell myself: 'i can do it'! the very words of my HSY tutor 'what happen to you?' rang in my mind while i forced myself to type a sentence at my computer. yes indeed, it's a plunge of self confidence. i dared not even start writing this assignment until the very last minute. the truth is: i'm scared to fail again. this is a 50% assignment which carries alot of weight in my assessment. i'm beginning to lose hope in seeing even a Distinction in my subjects this semester. yes indeed, 'what has happened to me?'.

i'm glad that through the process, i learnt what's true friendship. all along i've been trying to be a good listener, a support for annie now, especially through her hardship wherever i can. i thought i've been strong emotionally to help her as well. however, she proved me wrong. that day after meeting my HSY tutor, i made it a point to meet up with annie at uni so that she won't walk that lonesome journey home and continue in her sadness. however, the meeting with my tutor just shook me so much so that when i met annie that day, tears just come to my eyes again. it's ever the first time she has seen me cry...and guess not many have seen me cry so much. ironically, she became my comforter that day. i guess those tears of mine have pulled our friendship closer, as we share in one another the pains we have been going through lately. eventually, both of us treated ourselves to Macas, hoping that the Mc Chicken burger, the french fries and our friendship in each other will drown the pains that are affecting our lives now.

today, both annie and i had to hand in our own individual essays. we have encouraged each other to put aside our cares together when we started planning this essay....we struggled through our essay writing together....and ultimately, hand in our essays on time today. this process, even though a painful one, had allowed me to experience a real friendship in a different way.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Sept 24, i cried...i cried...
i cried so much after leaving my HSY tutor's office today. my essay consultation with her had been a serious blow to me. i'm beginning to wonder if i'd really be her As student. "your prose of the essay had pulled you down tremendously...something has gone wrong with your language....or someone must have helped you with the previous essay". she was pretty critical about my efforts in this subject and more so, in my essay writing. upon hearing such statements, my self confidence suffered an immense plunge.

now as i think about it, i realised that i've been swimming in blur-waters for few months. i've been looking for the wrong goals and life has been totally upside down. i've been utterly disrupted emotionally and yet, i chose to ignore it completely. indeed, this essay consultation was more than just a sounding board for improvement in my final essay...but more so, it's been a ringing red-light that tells me: "gracie, you are utterly wrong. what you choose to put aside are things which had unconsciously affected you alot alot."

i can't help but tear so much.....

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Sept 23, gota really talk to 'fun' today. she's a nice girl in whom i have met up with in tutorial. on first glance, she looks like she's from Hong Kong, pretty decent girl....when i really gota talk to her, i realised she's a singaporean too! it always excites me much to talk to singaporeans over here! perhaps it's just a national identity which has binded us together! and she just lives down the road! we met up together to walk to uni/tut today and it's just more interesting to walk with someone to uni everyday....cos if you have been here, you will understand how boring it is to walk through the long stretch of road across the carpark, through the blocks and faculties, before i get to the other side of the Monash campus. sounds pretty huge a place eh? yes! indeed, it is! anywayz, it's great having to know another friend....!~ interesting!! =p

Monday, September 22, 2003

Still Sept 22, an ironical twist to this day happened just few moments ago~! i got an email from someone unexpected, which has encouraged me alot. it has not only made me reflect upon the good old days *heehee*, but has also reminded me that there are people out there who really care alot about me. there have been many occasions (while walking back from uni) when i just ask myself: will anyone bother if they found me lying on the road, knocked down in an accident? a silly question isn't it? but deep inside my heart, i know the answer.

and indeed, this email confirmed the answer. obviously, it's an encouraging and positive answer...an answer which tells me: 'ming, i care alot about you...just as much as your family! treasure your time, your youth and what you have now'. it warms my heart alot more and this email has made me wana go home soon...i wish time will fly even faster than the speed at which it's going right now. and that email, was from Aunty Angela.

somehow, Aunty Angela's email has brought back a lot of memories of the past, of childhood and those times when i grew up sleeping just beside her. she's my 'jie jie', much more than a 'gu-zeh' (aunty) to me. to receive her email, means so much so much to me--especially to a girl who really missed home so much--her email was my source of comfort, my source of strength to carry on and my source of support as i go through these concluding weeks of my 2nd semester this yr.

Sept 22, back to uni today!~ it's monday! 27 degrees today!~ yeh! at least the sun smiled to me today. i've been feeling down lately...glad that something has encouraged me so much this morning. my gor sent this to me and it made my heart smiled...read this:

You Never Need...

You never need to think of yourself as forsaken,
because Jesus has called you His own.
You never need to think of yourself as alone,
because Jesus is with you always.
You never need to think of yourself as rejected,
because Jesus holds you in His arms.
You never need to think of yourself as defenseless,
because Jesus is your protector.

You never need to think of yourself as inadequate,
because Jesus is your provider.
You never need to think of yourself as useless,
because Jesus has a purpose and plan for your life.
You never need to think of yourself as hopeless,
because Jesus is your future.
You never need to think of yourself as defeated,
because Jesus is your victory.

You never need to think of yourself as weak,
because Jesus is your strength.
You never need to think of yourself as perplexed,
because Jesus is your peace.
You never need to think of yourself as needy,
because Jesus is your daily provider.
You never need to think of yourself as unappreciated,
because Jesus is your everlasting reward.

from For Mine Eyes Have Seen Thy Salvation, by Roy Lessin

Friday, September 19, 2003

Sept 19, Man!!!! no hot water from the tap!!!!!!!! arhhhhhh~ the water heater is not working! one of the most amazing thing that happened last night was i had to shower in cold icy water at around midnight (early this morning!)!! it was COLD last night! Yes, Extreeeeemly Cold! to imagine myself under icy water, it's just impossible and unbelievable! it's like 'gracie-it's either you shower OR you stink!' and i chose the former. it felt so Good after shower and the whole room felt so 'warm' thereafter, cos' the worse had been challenged!~

it's interesting how my different housemates handled this situation!~
annie was like, 'we girls need help!?' we need to get someone to repair the heater as soon as possible! while brushing my teeth, it felt as if my entire set of teeth was falling apart! i'm going to boil water! yes! boil water!!!!
rae was our 'technician', who checked the heater and our switches outside our house if there were any problems we girls could fix~!
jackie was like, 'i'm not gona shower in that cold water!!! nah..NEVER!'
gracie? and yeah~ i'm the heroine! who challenged the icy cold H2O and surrendered to reality! =)

well, what to do!~ sometimes we just have to make full use of the worse situation for the best right? =p

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Sept 17, my eyes are closing....i'm tired. spent the whole day at lib looking at references and notes...and of cos, the computer. din really eat much of a breakfast, lunch or dinner...i survived through the day on cakes and potato cakes. smartz eh? actually not a healthy diet at all...sigh~

and man!!! my brother got me into DEEP deep trouble. that guy must be wondering at his own time~does gracie like me?! chamzzz!! the only innocent thing is, i'm not involved in this! yet, my name is being pulled into it! the fact is, i've got my boyfriend! sigh~ arrrgghhhhh......someone please save me out of this!~

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Still Sept 16, i can't help but come up online again....was on my way home when i passed by this comp lab! might as well hop in~ moments ago, i was in my HSY tutor's office. i told her frankly how hard it was to have a good grasp of history essays and to perform in them. it's stressful now to think about the big essay coming up which takes on 50% of my total assessment. on top of that, i'm pretty weary cos' i thought this same tutor had marked down my 1st semester's essay. to my surprise, she told me that she had good impressions of my historical research and that's why i ended up in her office. funny how i ended up sitting in that office discussing last semester's work and results!~ i was indeed surprised at how i really did last semester! those essays in which i have handed up and marked by her were all high distinctions averages; the one which was marked down was not marked by her. consequently, i actually gota HD average, if every piece of work was marked by her. oh!!~ it's sucha relief to know that i'm a As student in her eyes!!! hee~~ eventually, i left her office smiling and grinning to myself......=p well, with the same amount of hardwork and effort put in, i should be able to pull through with a HD, i suppose! we'll see...heee.....

Sept 16, i've finally finished my essay!!!!!!!! it took me so much time and effort to finish reading those 8 books on Indonesian nationalism! man~! it definitely gave me a sense of fulfilment....remembering those days under Miss Koh, Indo natm was just a BIG big headache! now that i flipped through the notes that we used to have in our purple files (i brought them over here!!! =p), man!!!~ they made more sense to me!~ and i'm confident in my Indo nationalism....seemed like Sukarno, Hatta and Sjahrir have recently become my very "good friends"!~ =) talked about them, dreamt about them and wrote so much about them!!!!

well, it's pretty interesting last night....gota see my bro online. he prompted me and we started chatting....he asked me alot of gossips and told me that he's trying to pick up guitar recently. haha, i was like~ why guitar? and he told me, cos' he doesn't like piano! and i'm like~ "DUH!!" practising piano is so much easier at home...cos no guitar at home. but as the conversation went on, it became weird!!! you'll see what i mean (i've forgotten his exact words):

joel: i was joking wif him saying tat wheather he still likes my sis or sumthin, but i guess he is all rite.
gracie: HUH! what!!!!!? i don't think he likes me!
joel: aiyoh, not u, my sis!
gracie: ain't i your sister????!!?? what are you talking about?
joel: huh? oh OH!!!! me confused, u sound so "Diane". Arrhhh, i tot u are Diane~!!!
gracie: haha, oh man!! you BLUR KING! haaha...this is so funny~!
joel: what's so funny? oh no...die, die....die!!!
gracie: MAN!! hey! you really asked him this question?!!!!!!!!!!!
joel: nuthin...forget about what i said...

man!!!~ it's just funny to have a brother like this....heee! (Joel, sorry if i've publicised your blur-blur-ness!!! ) it's just so interesting that our 'kinship' has turned to 'friendship online'. and it's very interesting how we often chatted like this....it didn't sound like talking to my BROTHER. it was more like~ talking to another good friend who's so much younger!!

Saturday, September 13, 2003

Sept 13,
love is so significant
yet so fragile.
once broken, it's hard to mend.
today i've gone on a journey of a cycle of thoughts.
thoughts about the past...
thoughts about 'love'...
thoughts about the future....
pretty profound eh? =)

A GIFT
i've got a precious gift
its name is 'love'.

sometimes in fairytales
and sometimes in myths
love binds together one boy and one girl
it becomes a precious pearl-
'love' that never ends
'love' that never dies.

this is more precious than gold
like a rushing ocean 'love' flows
yet sometimes, so fragile like a rose.

once, my love's network was down
it felt like a treasure lost and couldn't be found
like an instrument without a sound
like a rose being trampled on the ground
like a clown without a smile.

with so much courage and so much strength
my brokened heart i was determined to mend
not with *muacks*, not with hugs
my heart was sealed by a gift from someone
'love' was regained, 'love' was won!

now, this precious gift
an eternal 'love' i wish that could last
is there anyone out there who truly deserve
my precious gift of 'love'?

Friday, September 12, 2003

Sept 12, hey know what? sucha coincidence! i went for the mooncake fes at my church friend's place last night. i was told by tina that 2 other singaporeans were coming. it kept me excited for awhile, cos' i haven't met them at all! =) and when they finally arrived, both James and i were in the kitchen preparing the famous 'tham's family' curry dish! finally at the moment when tina started introducing them, "Ah!!!! i know you!!!!!! you are from my.... oh man!!Microecons class!" and we started the conversation thereafter! and James added, "SO very bu(4) qiao(3) (coincidental??!?!!) No, no, melbourne very SMALL hor?!" and yes, it was a great night of tasting each other's dishes, of MOONCAKES!! whoa~ it's just yummy! we had greentea mooncake, strawberry mooncake, bingpi ones and all sorts!~ all brought back by Johnny during his business trip to HongKong. cool eh?! well, it's just funny when we sat down to chat and have a 'family reunion'. even though we are so faraway from home, we still feel part of a big family here....a family of friends. it's great! no regrets...

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Sept 11, whoa!! september 11!!! what a great day to come online! hopefully my comp doesn't get crashed by a terrorist virus!? hmm, it's been awhile since i came up online cos' i have been resting and doing alot of slacking. hee...

oh yeah~! i went to watch Finding Nemo again...yes! AGAIN! =) for those who haven't watched it, go watch!! it's so cool! it seems to be a kiddy show, but it's not! even multimedia designers go watch it! because it's good! and hey, liumin, don't faint! looking at dory and the whale-talk, hee...i can't help but laugh~! it's interesting how i caught different sets of the jokes in which i didn't really catch that time! and yeah! the funniest joke i caught last night was when big turtle and little turtle repeatedly emphasized:"hey DUDE! c'mon DUDE...DUDE! Marlin dude!" *with the diff tones and versions of it during his entire speech!* it's SO funny! perhaps my sense of humour is very much different from you guys who don't find it funny...hee

and Mooncake Fes is coming and...know what? my neighbours gathered around last night for mooncake and lanterns! so envious....! well, hee...i'll be going for my share of mooncakes tonight! be going down City to my friend's place...with all my church friends gathered for a session of mooncakes, reciting of 'moon' poems, gu-zheng and some singaporean GOOD food in which i had missed so much! =p *yummy*

Monday, September 08, 2003

Sept 8, i was too tired to come online yesterday. went shopping at Southland for the whole day and by 8pm last night, i just knocked out~! it's been a tiring week....but i thank God that i've been through it! and today, it's a start of a new week....gona be busy tho'....a 2000 word assignment due this friday and i'm barely through the readings. gota rush rush rush! and well, sigh~! got back my SCY essay i handed up the weeks ago....got a C. guess i deserve it...din really put in a lot of effort into it. it's an awakening~ hopefully i'll buck up and do better in my major essay for this subject. so much about assignments!!

oh yar, i wana commend that it's a SUNNY day today! finally!!!!! spring is here! hee...feels really great to be under the sun today! and finally, i could wash my laundry and have it really DRY!!! the fragrance of the blooming flowers and the sun~~ it just feels good! =p anyway, i gota run to the other side of library soon, cos' i've got loads of readings to catch up with.

Friday, September 05, 2003

Sept 5, sunny friday! the weather seemed so much better than previous days. or perhaps, hee...it's 18 degrees!!! nice weather!~ i've been waiting for it. man! i read the weather forecast for tomro. it's gona be hailing really much tomro! going to church will be terrible~ grrr...gota dress more.

well, i've been really disturbed ever since i handed up my essay yesterday. the feeling of 'i'm going to get only a credit' reigned my heart for some reason or another for the entire time. i know it's a 50% assignment and it's no joke to scrape through with only a credit. it will be ever the first time in history if gracie scored a C for essays. i told myself: no way! i don't wana get C! even shopping at Coles didn't help to rid that feeling away. i really wana change my essay, as i've always been sucha perfectionist. and so, this morning i finally decided! in order to make myself feel better, i'm gona edit and resubmit my essay once more. even at the risk of the late submission penalty, i really wish my tutor would read my edited work....at least i have put in my greatest energies and efforts!~ =p well, i'm just comforting myself that's all...hee...

And yeah!!~i bought ear plugs! i hope this pair of ear pluggies help!! well, this is the best i could do....sometimes it's hard to stay with housemates who are very much more "happening" than i do. annie, jackie and raelene stay up late into the night with their computers on, while i'm just the exact opposite!~ i try to sleep at 10pm and wakey at 6am....sucha a huge contrast in lifestyle. it's part of learning to stay with others...it's no longer like being at home where you could just tell your siblings off if they snored so loudly at night; you just simply gota give and take.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Sept 4, oh! this date, i'll always remember! i have been working on my Marx assignment and it's due today! it's either a HD or a P for this subject this time~! this assignment constitutes 50% and well, i spent large amounts of time in a vigorous process of racking my brains. it feels good now though, to look at the assignment knowing how much effort and time i've put into it. i'm surprised, at times at the amount of knowledge i have gained and also, the language i've used! it's just amazing! i wonder how i put together such good phrases in the essay to sucha extent whereby i can't even imagine myself writing those beautifully structured lines! =) oops, sorry...guess i was just exaggerating...! =p anyway, i had little sleep again cos' i woke up pretty early, before dawn to rush this assignment. it was terrible feeling to just leave my quilt and just start my brain working on the Marxist assignment. i thank God that He has helped me through with wisdom...spent about 4hrs wrapping up the entire essay. and yeah! i'm leaving library now and handing up my assignment, for which my academic destiny shall be determined....

~ To fail or to pass, that we shall find out!!~

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

3 Sept, i've got 1500words more to go!! i've started writing my essay ever since 10am this morning. it's almost 3pm now. i'm really tired...can't go on anymore. i wasn't able to sleep till 6am this morning!!!! it's pretty unusual for me to do that.

my hse mate had an argument over the phone till 5+ this morning and throughout the whole time, i couldn't even catch a wink! i tried to play instrumental songs on my cd to drown off the "noise", but it didn't work... apparently, her voice was louder. i don't blame her for that, but i hate myself alot for being sucha lightsleeper. during the 5 hrs, i wished i could sleep...but my brain seemed to be more awake than i truly was. i had initially decided to get up at 6am and start doing my essay since i'm awake...but gradually, i fell asleep. i thank God that finally, i had 3hours of uninterrupted sleep. I NEED MORE SLEEP!~

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

2 Sept, ever since i emailed everyone about my blog address, somehow it's a blessing cos' i receive emails from 'long-lost' friends. even though it sounds absurd to be frantically excited about receiving emails, i do feel crazy deep inside! indeed, i smile more throughout the day! so, hmm...keep your emails coming!!~ hee, unfortunately, my internet is down lately...haven't been able to go up online as conveniently as i could last time. now, i treasure every moment of time at the computer lab!!!! to type every word possible to my friends, to reply emails and to check online research materials.

it's Week 7 now....gracie, you have 6 more weeks to go! is time moving fast? i reckon, a little faster than before. cos' it's assignment weeks and i've got a 2500 words to hand in and it constitutes 50% of my assessment! man!!~ it's huge! and guess, this is part of the ARTS life that i have gotten used to. i've got 3 more essays to write before the semester ends....plus 2 class tests. haha, some of my friends were like so envious cos i have no exams this semester! it's just a reward behind working so hard during the 13weeks of semester.

i've been reading alot on Marx...communism and socialism! somehow in every area of my study this sem...i've been in touch with this topic. and oh man!~ the topic on Nationalism!!! it's interesting you know! =) i'm beginning to like this part of history...and mind you~! i'm studying Indonesia, Malaya and Burma's nationalism. great topic to study on!!! haha, am i the emmerging Miss Koh in history??!!~~ hehe....don't faint, people!! hehe...guess history at the University level, especially in Aus has been an eyeopener for me. cos no longer do we stick to one perspective of history which comes from the tutor, each of us define history and nationalism from our own perspective. writing essays in argument becomes utterly interesting!!! love research! and yeah, i've got a 2000words on Japanese Occupation as a development of Indonesian nationalism!! gota start pushing my pen!

and hey! i got A- for my first research essay in History!! phew!~ what a relieve! i thought it was a tough piece of work, but guess all my hardwork paid off! now~ i'm on my 2nd essay...very soon, the ultimate 3500word due in Week 13! guess everything sounds good at this time! good grief!